The winter has started.
In Kazakhstan, this time of the year can be pretty cruel and unbearable. A warm
steam from your mouth fades away into the cold air, playing the role of a trigger. It triggers memories of days when you were young, free and full of joy.
When I was a child, Christmas parties used to be filled with the smell of mother’s homemade cookies. I laughed in a dance with falling snowflakes.
Now snowflakes remind me how miserable my life is. Even those tiny pieces have their own destiny – to be a part of the one big drift. But not me.
My holidays are as calm as my daily life. I’m quite distant from my co-workers.
The worst part is Secret Santa in the office. I’ll buy a gift card to the retail shop for a person I’ve drawn. In return, I will receive the same generic, simple gift.
What’s exciting about me? Basically nothing.
I have my dog and a TV show that I have recently started watching. It is about
different kingdoms, each trying to prove that their family is the best. They kill
somebody every episode. It’s called Game of Thrones. I understand the main
characters’ fear of the winter.
When the weather starts to get colder and red garlands surround every restaurant, my soul fills itself with sadness — sadness of the things that have passed me by.
Questions about eternal problems and answers that can’t find their place — these thoughts keep worrying me.
I stepped out of my dorm ino the freezing landing. It was almost midnight, so most of the people were laughing over clichéd movies while hugging children or lovers.
I assumed that looking at the neighbor’s fireworks was more interesting than
simply sitting on the couch, staring at my dog’s Christmas hat.
My legs carried me down the staircase. I was hoping to find some peace on the
street.
It was cold and windy as usual. I glanced at my clock – quarter to twelve. A lonely bench in the courtyard of my residential complex. I sat down on it and looked at the happy neighbors preparing for the fireworks. They were truly happy.
The moment I finally fully relaxed, a random woman sat next to me. Her nose was red from the chill, and the green scarf with stripes couldn’t help it get warmer. I gave her my mittens.
“Oh, thank you!” She was sincerely surprised and smiled at me. “I can’t really
stand the cold but wanted to watch fireworks.”
“Can’t relate.” I grinned slightly because we were absolutely opposite, hoping that it’s the end of the conversation.
“Well, I can see that you’re okay with the cold.” She glanced at my clothes and it
was an autumn coat. “I wish I could stand the cold like this.”
This woman was nice and kind. I liked that. But she was also pretty talkative.
“Celebrating New Year alone?” I couldn’t tell if she was truly interested or just
trying to fill the awkward silence. “Well, I’m in the same place. My parents are
stuck in Bali because of the weather and my friends flew far away just last week.”
“Cool.” I didn’t want to continue the conversation. She was intense and a little bit nervous. I was calm and unbothered. Not a good combo.
“Did you reach all your goals?” Her eyes looked at me with questions but I
couldn’t comprehend what goals she was talking about. “You know those goals
you write down at the beginning of the year. Like the 2023 list.”
She could tell by my expression that I had no idea what she was talking about.
“Well, my friend and I make that list every year and I just thought it would be a
good topic to talk about.” She stopped for a second and I hoped it was the end of the conversation. I was wrong. “I’ve reached only half of the goals. It’s pretty sad because I wanted to do more. For example, my laziness kept me from finishing some paintings that I planned to do. And now I’m supposed to be in Bali with my family, but money and work ruined everything.”
“That’s bad.” I started losing the point of what she was saying..
“So…” She paused again and I looked at her. The woman was crying. Pure sadness in the tears that were running down from her brown eyes. “I’m here now. Without anybody.”
Only then I understood that she wasn’t even talking to me. It was just a tiny
monologue for herself, that was made from solitude. How tragic.
“Hey.” I stopped watching nothingness and turned to her. “It’s okay.”
I was really bad at comforting people.
“Listen, you said it’s sad that you didn’t finish your goal tracker…”
“It’s a goal list.” She frowned childishly.
I smiled a little and continued. “Okay. As I said, you were sad about that goal list.
Why?” I really couldn’t understand the whole point of crying over your own ideas.
“Because I didn’t have enough time, as always.” Her face looked truly concerned
about that “Like, what have I even done this year?”
“Everything that you could.” She gave me a strange look, so I repeated myself.
“The whole point of living is doing everything that you can. Sometimes it is
enough, often it’s not. But you’ve tried. And that’s the only thing that matters.”
When I finished my sentence, the fireworks exploded in the air. The New year.
Lights were fading away in the darkness and then returning in different colors. It was mesmerizing. This view made me smile, for the first time in a long time.
But the woman wasn’t looking at the fireworks. Her eyes were on me. My last
phrase had touched something deep inside her soul and filled her with new hope.
Hope for the future.
I started to think about the fact that we ended up on the same bench on New Year’s Eve.
Lonely, but together.
If this was fate, then I would take it as a chance for a better life.
I told her with a sincere smile on my face.
“What’s your name?”
The winter has started.
