The winter has started.
In Kazakhstan, this time of the year can be pretty cruel and unbearable. A warm
steam from your mouth fades away into the cold air, playing the role of a trigger. It triggers memories of days when you were young, free and full of joy.
When I was a child, Christmas parties used to be filled with the smell of mother\u2019s homemade cookies. I laughed in a dance with falling snowflakes.
Now snowflakes remind me of how miserable my life is. Even those tiny pieces have their own destiny \u2013 to be a part of the one big drift. But not me.
My holidays are as calm as my daily life. I\u2019m quite distant from my co-workers.
The worst part is Secret Santa in the office. I\u2019ll buy a gift card to the retail shop for a person I\u2019ve drawn. In return, I will receive the same generic, simple gift.
What\u2019s exciting about me? Basically nothing.
I have my dog and a TV show that I have recently started watching. It is about
different kingdoms, each trying to prove that their family is the best. They kill
somebody every episode. It\u2019s called Game of Thrones. I understand the main
characters\u2019 fear of the winter.
When the weather starts to get colder and red garlands surround every restaurant, my soul fills itself with sadness \u2014 sadness of the things that have passed me by.
Questions about eternal problems and answers that can\u2019t find their place \u2014 these thoughts keep worrying me.
I stepped out of my dorm into the freezing landing. It was almost midnight, so most of the people were laughing over clich\u00e9d movies while hugging children or lovers.
I assumed that looking at the neighbor\u2019s fireworks was more interesting than
simply sitting on the couch, staring at my dog\u2019s Christmas hat.
My legs carried me down the staircase. I was hoping to find some peace on the
street.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was cold and windy as usual. I glanced at my clock \u2013 quarter to twelve. A lonely bench in the courtyard of my residential complex. I sat down on it and looked at the happy neighbors preparing for the fireworks. They were truly happy.
The moment I finally fully relaxed, a random woman sat next to me. Her nose was red from the chill, and the green scarf with stripes couldn\u2019t help it get warmer. I gave her my mittens.
\u201cOh, thank you!\u201d She was sincerely surprised and smiled at me. \u201cI can\u2019t really
stand the cold but wanted to watch fireworks.\u201d
\u201cCan\u2019t relate.\u201d I grinned slightly because we were absolutely opposite, hoping that it\u2019s the end of the conversation.
\u201cWell, I can see that you\u2019re okay with the cold.\u201d She glanced at my clothes and it
was an autumn coat. \u201cI wish I could stand the cold like this.\u201d
This woman was nice and kind. I liked that. But she was also pretty talkative.
\u201cCelebrating New Year alone?\u201d I couldn\u2019t tell if she was truly interested or just
trying to fill the awkward silence. \u201cWell, I\u2019m in the same place. My parents are
stuck in Bali because of the weather and my friends flew far away just last week.\u201d
\u201cCool.\u201d I didn\u2019t want to continue the conversation. She was intense and a little bit nervous. I was calm and unbothered. Not a good combo.
\u201cDid you reach all your goals?\u201d Her eyes looked at me with questions but I
couldn\u2019t comprehend what goals she was talking about. \u201cYou know those goals
you write down at the beginning of the year. Like the 2023 list.\u201d
She could tell by my expression that I had no idea what she was talking about.
\u201cWell, my friend and I make that list every year and I just thought it would be a
good topic to talk about.\u201d She stopped for a second and I hoped it was the end of the conversation. I was wrong. \u201cI\u2019ve reached only half of the goals. It\u2019s pretty sad because I wanted to do more. For example, my laziness kept me from finishing some paintings that I planned to do. And now I\u2019m supposed to be in Bali with my family, but money and work ruined everything.\u201d
\u201cThat\u2019s bad.\u201d I started losing the point of what she was saying..
\u201cSo\u2026\u201d She paused again and I looked at her. The woman was crying. Pure sadness in the tears that were running down from her brown eyes. \u201cI\u2019m here now. Without anybody.\u201d
Only then I understood that she wasn\u2019t even talking to me. It was just a tiny
monologue for herself, that was made from solitude. How tragic.
\u201cHey.\u201d I stopped watching nothingness and turned to her. \u201cIt\u2019s okay.\u201d
I was really bad at comforting people.
\u201cListen, you said it\u2019s sad that you didn\u2019t finish your goal tracker\u2026\u201d
\u201cIt’s a goal list.\u201d She frowned childishly.
I smiled a little and continued. \u201cOkay. As I said, you were sad about that goal list.
Why?\u201d I really couldn\u2019t understand the whole point of crying over your own ideas.
\u201cBecause I didn\u2019t have enough time, as always.\u201d Her face looked truly concerned
about that \u201cLike, what have I even done this year?\u201d
\u201cEverything that you could.\u201d She gave me a strange look, so I repeated myself.
\u201cThe whole point of living is doing everything that you can. Sometimes it is
enough, often it\u2019s not. But you\u2019ve tried. And that\u2019s the only thing that matters.\u201d
When I finished my sentence, the fireworks exploded in the air. The New year.
Lights were fading away in the darkness and then returning in different colors. It was mesmerizing. This view made me smile, for the first time in a long time.
But the woman wasn\u2019t looking at the fireworks. Her eyes were on me. My last
phrase had touched something deep inside her soul and filled her with new hope.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hope for the future.
I started to think about the fact that we ended up on the same bench on New Year\u2019s Eve.
Lonely, but together.
If this was fate, then I would take it as a chance for a better life.
I told her with a sincere smile on my face.
\u201cWhat\u2019s your name?\u201d
The winter has started.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The winter has started. In Kazakhstan, this time of the year can be pretty cruel and unbearable. A warmsteam from your mouth fades away into the cold air, playing the role of a trigger. It triggers memories of days when you were young, free and full of joy. When I was a child, Christmas parties […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1777,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[127,126],"tags":[],"ppma_author":[141],"class_list":["post-1665","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-prose3","category-issue3"],"blocksy_meta":[],"yoast_head":"\n